Hermit, there is not other way to say it other than ruthless and core stabbing negative alternatives — those of you who know me know that i am most fond of those, but as i am trying to adopt a more productive mindset, i’ll just say I’m a fucking hermit. You see for years i’ve been tending this website, albeit without much personal interest or spirit in the idea — which is exactly why it has failed for so long. I’ve always struggled to enjoy blogging and the idea of keeping a website because i couldn’t make up my mind about why i had it in the first place. To prove i could do it i suppose. But nowadays you need a niché, or so they say. Don’t listen to that tripe and dont feel you have to post the same shite over n’ over for an audience. Dull.
I’m a private person, i always have been — my gates are always locked and bolted. I actually prefer to stay off social media if at all possible, unless i’m at work. Those of you who have been here for a few years will have watched me waver from one topic to another without saying anything worth a damn. Don’t worry — i’m well aware. I’ve always known the issue; having skirted around it for the better part of a decade. I couldn’t make up my mind. Through life i’ve struggled to pick one talent to cultivate, thinking that if i focused on one thing too hard .. that i might lose another skill along the way. I value every creative trait that i possess. Acting & writing being the closest to my heart. We should value as much of ourselves as humanly possible, all the while leaving arrogance and competitiveness at the front door. Another words — don’t be a dick.
However, lately i’ve been thinking. A lot. Over this, that and everything which has come to pass due to the current state of human affairs. I can do a lot of things but at the end of the day i think what gives me the most freedom to be myself, wholeheartedly and rightfully, is writing. There is no differentiation between life and writing life for me, they come hand in hand. I will always be passionate about working with theatre, filming & photography because thats what i do and it comes very easily to me, but ultimately where i am at my peak is when i am writing.
It has been a hard lesson to learn for me. Knowing what i must let go of for now, it’s scary and daunting in every way but worth it i hope. I feel somewhat late to the game because i’ve spent a lot of years avoiding trying to publish anything for reasons i will share in another post. I simply wrote privately; keeping hundreds of notebooks. I have a terrible habit of separating myself from things i simply don’t want to do, and whether i was ignoring publishing because i couldn’t be bothered to handle the rejections i would encounter or simply because i couldn’t figure why anyone would ever read anything i wrote — i haven’t a clue. Personally i think it may have to do with the fact that i don’t feel that my writing style, when i’m spilling at the brim, falls into any kinda of genre; which makes me assume i’m going to go through a hell of a lot more rejection than your average literary kook. Nevertheless, having written a lot on instagram for a while now it seems there is an audience for my madness. Go figure!
Right now my very first finished novel, which is likely not actually anywhere near ready for publishing or human consumption, is sitting on a desk somewhere waiting for a verdict. It’s a scary thought. I am proud of course. Just finishing the damn thing is an accomplishment. But when you finish a novel you are overcome with shame and embarrassment. And i know that i am not the only one — there should be a writers support group for shame alone. Still i am struggling of knowing which i want to work with next.
From here on out, this will be my authors website. It’ll be staying that way. You wont find “10 tips for becoming a writer,” “How i write my narratives” or “how to become a successful female in a hard business” type of list crap here. Ever. This is about my progress and the trials along the way. My space to focus on my craft. I hope you’ll want to follow along with me. I doubt very much i will continue to post very often elsewhere. I would delete my instagram if i were able but i think it may come in handy down the line. Oh i’ll still be creating videos and photos when the time comes, you can find that work under portfolio/film but my main focus will be finding my own success within my writing. Something my English teacher all those years ago told me i should follow till the end.
Something she stands by to this day. It just took me too long to let myself believe it is something i truly could make into a profession.