home at last

Well, it’s been a month. A month that felt like hell and high water was kicking me in the lip the whole damn time. Friday was my last day at work, so finally some pressure will be off for a while and thank hell for that. I tell you. Moving during covid, packing the entire house, training LeDoux as well as working full time — utterly overwhelming. And the whole time i just wanted to sleep and write. I don’t think i’ve written properly for a month. I’ve taken notes and had word prose coming out of my ears — why sure. But i haven’t had a novel thought since Laramie. Laramie which seems so far far away now. It already feels so far in the past but it was less than two weeks ago.

Yellow Texas flowers
Fields of flowers.

I didn’t want to leave Wyoming and it’ll always have a place in my heart, as will the Black Hills and the dead gulch of South Dakota, but i was ready to go back to Texas where i can buy my heart full of land to live on. Not wanting to move or pack boxes anymore or live through old furniture that has eight poor-man generations of farts and ugly seeds living in the lining. A new start in an old place with a clear vision ahead and dead reckoning the rest. It’s good to be back.

Palo Duro Canyon, TX

After all these long years out there in the states living and dreaming — we’re finally home in the Lone Star state. It sure is weird to be back. The place has changed a lot and i almost don’t recognise it. I’ve had job interviews, but selfishly i’ve been hoping it’d take a little while for them to get back to me so i have a chance to catch up on a few things. As i said. Friday was my last day working for my job in Laramie, Wy. Covid at least enabled me to keep my job whilst moving and a little thereafter. Everything was sent in, but no one spoke to me for the last week or two. And no thanks or goodbye. Not that i expected any. Riddance and good and feck away. Im glad to be unburdened by it all.

Dog off leash
LeDoux free running like a boss.

I wanted to restart this post once or twice but theres no real way to express learning for the first time what coming home really feels like. My heart pumps in my chest desperately trying not to wake me from my reverie, but im really here. Out in the fields amongst the horses and june bugs zooming at 80miles a minute into my face. Doux running like freedom could lift him. And on top of it all our apartment is ace with a view of the paddocks and outback of  piney bush n’ wood.

Dog and horse communicatin through fence
One of his new best friends.

Returning to Texas was like being welcomed with opens arms and served a dr.pepper in a glass bottle as soon as the welcome sign flew past the window. All that long time no see bullshit but this time it cut me up and i fell head over boots once more for the Lone Star State. Right now im unemployed and the place is settled enough that i hope i can work on my writing again next week. There are a few other ventures im hoping to dip into while i figure out my next steps. Some acting, stand up prospects and filming ideas. I’ve been considering trying to get an acting agent but i don’t if i want to drown myself down in that rabbit hole. I mean, i want to act but i dont know how it all works. Whether i’d need two separate agents for acting and writing. Meh. Time will tell. For now its crap o’clock and all i got is dreaming to do.

working from home

I’ve been working from home since last Monday, trying not to leave the house as much as possible. Only leaving to go and help at the barn or going grocery shopping. So really right now is a perfect time to be editing that novel i’ve been so excited about, but i’ve been trying to avoid it like the plague. I don’t know what i’ll do when i’ve finished editing it. The thought of reaching out to that first literary agent is daunting and reaching out to the possible hundreds after that, just as daunting — so with that in mind i’m trying to keep myself in limbo so i wont have to deal with all those rejections on top of being made to feel like shite during my work day. It just wont do — and i know that. Now i truly my force myself to look at it face to face and finish the damn thing, the last leg.
I’d been hoping that i’d be able to spend my lunches taking a quick run around the block and then sitting down with my manuscript before going back to work, however since working from home — i haven’t even had time to take lunches during the day or any kind of a break for that matter.
Everyone is busy losing their minds and piling their work onto me because they dont know what to do themselves. I really hope it all will settle down soon so i can at least get a break.

As for COVID-19. Im not that concerned, i’m not panicking or bulk buying. It wont do any good. I’m just staying home and doing my thing, getting the projects done that need doing, finishing this and that. Jack and i take a walk in the evenings in places that people are very sparse. We’re quite enjoying not being surrounded by people constantly. Its surprising how even this town in the middle of Wyoming can feel so damn   cramped.  This pandemic has solidified that Laramie isn’t long term, just a week or so ago i thought i wanted to stay — with a new job it’d be fine. No, it wont and i was probably kidding myself. I love Medicine Bow and the amazing landscapes surrounding us, but everything else is a battle. It’s time for us to return home, and whilst i will probably never live in Denmark again — Texas will be the closest i’ll ever have to home for the rest of my life. I’m already considering packed boxes and getting rid of our clutter and this COVID business helps make Texas seem like some sanctuary in all the madness.

The manuscript

Having said, all that, my personal life is pretty good. I’ve started playing and learning a new instrument. One that is completely different from the ones i’ve played all my life, so its very exciting and weird to be a “beginner” again. Im enjoying the process. I have also been trying to practice writing at home more — its just about creating the habit and keeping it going. Last night i woke up in the butt crack of night to write down notes for a new piece; whether its a poem, a short story or a novella i don’t quite know but its a brand new idea and those are always something to be proud of. You never know when those ideas might start drying up. I’m glad that even now, all these years later, im still able to fill notebooks and writing books with ideas and dreams and stories and lies. It’s good for the soul.

Lately i’ve been debating how to make the house we live in more “ours,” i suppose thats always unavoidable when you just want to buy your own place with acres and change it all up to fit your way — i’ve never owned a place before. But i want somewhere that i can convert into a Scandinavian haven with wooden floors, white walls, walls of books and wooden panels and fire places with reindeer blankets. It doesn’t need to be a big place, and i’d love a porch around the place to boot. Somewhere in North Texas so i can still get some snow, that’d be grand. Maybe with a lake or river near by so i can still get some boating in. With enough land for all those senior horses i’ve mentioned before.
I’m not much of a decorator, but i do have the inner minimalistic Danish streak when it comes to apartments and homes — and i do my best with what i have. I’d love for my place to look like a Danish Summer house. Cozy, hyggelig and quiet. I’m not willing to put money into a place that isn’t mine though of course, but i’d love to change a few things about the house just the same. So i’m considering a few ideas. Who knows what i’ll come up with? Do you own your own place? Do you have a knack for decorating and making places into safe havens?

Anyway, i’ll steal back to my manuscript and do some editing whilst we watch the Shining. Im sitting with my favourite blanket in front of the nordic looking space heater and leaning against Jack. This is what living is. No one to bother us none, and nothing we need to leave the house for.

I hope you’re all well and that you’re safe. Stay upbeat, and take the staying home as a gift. I sure am.

my first day at the barn — from last week ** video**

It’s Thursday. A regular Thursday, or perhaps not so regular. As you’ve probably noticed I’ve really been driven to start filming as I go through days and experiences and life troubles. I always felt that the filming was pointless, because it’ll never look as good or as magic as other people’s videos. And then a few days ago I caught myself in the mirror.
My conversation went something like this:
“Bitch what you doing?”
“Uhm, poopin’?”
“Nah, I mean with your damn life. You got two cameras in a bag, and you want to use ‘em, yet you don’t because you know someone will always be better? You know what a writer and clever as you are – you are a damn fool.”
“Could we talk about this perhaps at a time where I ain’t in dire need of wiping my ass?”
“It’s the only time you look at yourself in the mirror kid, Look at yourself and do what you want. Quit beating around and making excuses.”
“Alright.”
“And open the damn window. Smells like somebody died.”

To begin with the filming was to show family at home that I am here, and that I’m not as far away as it feels. Now it’s becoming a creative out let. When I can’t write. I’ll film. When I can’t Act. I’ll film. And I’ll feel Jack smiling at me whilst I sit and edit on the floor in front of our little space heater. Just like he smiles when I sit playing my bass or slide guitar.
Already I feel this filming is taking me to new places and proficiencies. My biggest regret is that I didn’t start it in Texas, when every day was Basil and I talking about everything, talk a foreign walk in dead heat – when things were truly tough but the days were free and beautiful. One thing though, Jack and I are as in love as we’ll ever be, even if we’re missing a piece. A piece that’ll be missing till we one day die too. That’s fine.

As you know I started at this new horse rescue last week, and it all happened like it was meant to be. Everything has been awesome. I’ve been free to film and take pictures. Then today I get a long text message asking me if I would film for them and vlog and help and become a part of something purposeful, something that really means something to me and obviously to me. I about fly down the stairs at work screaming with sheer excitement. That’s something I’d never dared to dream of. How amazing. I truly am so happy right now, today. Tomorrow I might struggle a little again, but that’s how living is. It’s hard, brutal and little drops of hope keep us from dehydration.

Unfortunately due to getting messed up by my job and then other monetary stupidities popping up I’ve had to bail on the farrier class, the one thing I was so desperately looking forward to. One of the main reasons for I came to Wyoming. I haven’t had the heart to email them yet to let them know I’m too damn fucked and too damn poor right now to take the class. Mostly because I don’t want to face it. We often ignore things we can’t bring ourselves to admit. We’re all guilty kids running around lying. I’m very guilty of it and I do it a lot. However, this horse rescue might have my back here. One of the girls, Sarah, has offered to show me what she knows and mentioned knowing someone who is a bare foot trimmer that might need an assistant. You know those people you meet and you just click and things seem good and right? Well I’ve only had that twice or thrice in my life. Jack. Patrick. And my first best friend Jamie Riley — wherever he may be now.

Anyway I’m so over whelmed and humbled. This weekend I’ll actually be taking a trip with the folks at the rescue to Denver, which will be a totally new experience for me. I’ve never been to a horse expo before, but I can’t think of anyone better to go with. Like some hermit crab I actually asked “if I go – I’ll be able to stay with you guys right?” 
That’s how un-used to people I am these days. How unfamiliar I’ve become with how things work. It’s a little pathetic, but I mention it because this is what it’s like moving to new countries. You don’t know what will ridicule you or embarrass you. Jack is the safety blanket I’m very reluctant to let go of incase I get lost. He’s also the one telling me, “You need to go.”
So damn it. This weekend I’m going to Denver… with what people call friends. I cannot wait. I filmed my first day at the barn which was last Saturday. You can find the video below.


Last night I went to start working on an adoption video for sweet Annie, I think we’ll have to do a little more work on the filming because it was crowded and the barn started to look like a giant fart cloud. Sarah also helped me lunge Annie some, which was amazing. I hadn’t done that in 15 years almost and there I was doing it. But my dumb ass was too self-conscious to film it even though my camera was right there.
But next time I will, and you’ll see how happy this country living does me. I might be a western imposter, god love it.

what happens on friday nights

It happened in the blink of an eye, immediately after i complained on my instagram about having no place to do horse-y things …I found a place.
I came across a non profit horse revival organisation that helps horses in need. And its in town. Crazy — cause i’ve been looking for  places like that since before i even stepped foot in Laramie. I went to a few and never heard anything back when i attempted to reach out after our original meetings. But this one i found out about yesterday morning, sent in my form a little after lunch and had set up a casual meeting at 5.30pm that afternoon.

I left work early, i figured it was owed to me as i arrived earlier than expected in the morning. Jack picked me up from work and we went home, i threw on whatever farm gear i had handy and left, lickity split.
The sun down is always beautiful on that edge of town and everything was beautiful hues of pink and soft purple. The mountains in the distance were already cuddled up to bed.
The people i met were lovely, wonderful and happy people. Folks that you like the moment you meet them. For me thats saying a lot. They treat horses with respect and don’t act like they’re some fluffy teddy bear to show around like a fairy on a string. This non profit is working its bones and doing whatever they can to help what ever horse they can. And i am honoured to be able to become even a little part of it.

Prada – the sweet arabian princess.

This afternoon i’ll be going back to get my hands dirty and trying to get into a swing. I’m a little nervous as i always am when it comes to new things, but im so excited too. I hope i can remember what i’ve learnt over the years, by law im not really a “horse person” like the others around here or anywhere. I didn’t grow up living in it. I grew up chasing it, but this is a great start in a good place. I’ll update you when i can about how it goes.

I hope you enjoy the little video i made of my first trip out there today.
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